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Archive for October, 2008

so i cry.

free bird by lynyard skynyard is a song worth leastening...

free bird by lynyard skynyard is a song worth leastening...

this big burden on my mind, would anyone ever guess where it comes from?
may it be a stranger, a friend long forgotten, somebody i hurt, a child i never had, my own reflection in a shop window of the bookstore i often pass by… it’s been a while since my own reflections spoke the truth to me.

i never met strangers on this trolybus

i never met strangers on this trolybus

indeed, i hide well my soul with collections of pain and things i see, my soul that has absorbed words, half-truths… letting go… of all. protecting my knowledge. to suffer some more. because i do not blame others for the way i feel. every half truth will slam my face, every lie will spit straight in. why will i give all the comfort again? why will i say i don’t need anything more then i got? why will i hide my fear? why will i run away? why have i played a hero? am i a real one? why do i feel dead? why am i not alive? will anyone talk to me? will somebody i hurt badly come back to save me? saving would be to hear they know the truth. help would be to give me a week. a week of attention.

in my dream, a voice behind this open window was calling me to talk abou me. the next day, or evening, i saw it

in my dream, a voice behind this open window was calling me to talk abou me. the next day, or evening, i saw it

i was attentive all my life. it is so easy when it comes to me, to live other peoples’ lives, or even live for them. they can be feeling with my skin, hanging on my words, living on my breath… i stole this line, understanding it fully. i dare say i’m giving. i must admit i’ve mistaken, sinned, hurt some. not the ones who find themselves hurt by me, and not emotionally. i’ve sinned my own way. i lied. clearing off others, i lied. Covered my self in dirt, eating dust, kicking my self. to give, always to give, to free somebody else.

St Sava temple was mainly built in times of starvation...

St Sava temple was mainly built in times of starvation...

i do find it peculiar to put this post out publicly. I never tell my friends i hope for some attention, especially not what kind of it. instead i wait and hope to be asked before i speak. it just never happens.

each photo for one life...

this temple i blame for many lives that are lost, so i try to photograph its phragments: each photo for one life...

so if i know something in life, it is how to breathe for others, and how to forever stay alone. i take no proud in my know-how. i don’t know if i have regrets about it. i know i cry. i know i am denied to be different. i know i’m called bad names. i know i irritate people around me. i know i ask too many questions. i know i hear all answers, the lies half-truths and almost truths, when i ask questions. i know i am an outcast, for seeing where the side of the truth lays. i know i live in serbia. i know i refuse to be serbian/priviledged over here. i know i am treated as a lower human being in any other country i go. i know i spend my time alone, and am called a bitch at home, and judged as a probable prostitute on borders entering foreign countries. I know people look down on me abroad, from the second they learn about my origins.

time to show a fence, one between me and all who deny me; it could look like this one, even though it doesn't...

time to show a fence, one between me and all who deny me; it could look like this one, even though it doesn

luckily, boundaries between life, books, films, music, any art, for me do not exist. so i live on in songs, creating. Or i live in a painting, or i learn from one as much as from life. Before my next reflection in a shop window tells me the next truth, i will keep going as ever, alone. Because to my kind of people, a week of time can be only given by ourselves, reflections included. and nobody else. i need a week. for my self. When i take it, i will have so much to share. Until then, i have to collect all means, even though i keep giving. My own choice.

exit

exit

Some have lost me for good. I know i will always have myself.

open

open

I made this post to tell the similar people, those among my small number of delicately self selected readers, that we have our freedom. And freedom cannot be replaced.

freedom of mine

freedom of mine

I am not ashamed of having written a private story here. I believe everything is ideological. The deep fears that have embraced me I learned to live with. My art is to bring them out as the social issue. Because they are. My alienation from my place of living, which i do love and care for, is my best case study. “Memoria” (my last film) came out of it. “The state” (that i’ve just shot) comes out of it. Crying as i do, i know where i stand. Have courage to stand, alone – i tell myself. Always walk alone – i tell myself. Never ask for a week of time to anyone – i tell myself. May it be all i need to live on, to live, come back of the feeling of being dead.

another window, to see the free blue sky above

another window, to see the free blue sky above

Photos, as always, even when unsigned, by: Jelena Markovic

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Address

While i have been making my first feature fiction film, the life around me has been going on, inevitably heading to our older age and minds more experienced. Or this should be the case for all times passing by, because that is what times do. they pass by, weather we move on or not.

Arrow of time helps us understand the spacetime

Arrow of time helps us understand the spacetime

life and reality surrounding me, my crew and our fiction story, seam not to have moved much forward in development! When i started this blog, Karadzic was the top news, then all the silly protests against his arrest as well as all intriguing truths about his last years… all together giving even more solid grounds to the nationalists and the moderates joined together in big idea of never giving up on Kosova. Their strong alliance on that matter tells a lot about the dilemma they offer when it comes to voting for ones or others on elections, or simply taking sides in popular political discussions/if they may be called discussions, given the fact that all parts operate with no more then phrases and general points. Indeed, on every corner in Belgrade people talk politics, even passionately, using simplified theories made out of either national myths and emotional interpretations of history, or out of a twisted version of politically correct speech adopted quickly from western cultures, without thinking it through, but just reducing to a couple of rules, so that some legitimacy is automatically implied, like pride and honour are implied in stories of the so called opposed side… shortly, dilemma radicals or moderates can only fool the fools, i mean to say

I used to think the shooting would be done by the time Sarah joins me again, but she's come and gone and the shooting is not done.  In between my filmming days and those of waiting in despair, there was one day or rather an evening when I had to look at the back of the leaving train again... At least this time she has left something or someone important behind that I will tell about another time.

I used to think the shooting would be done by the time Sarah joins me again, but she's come and gone and the shooting isn't finished. In between my shooting days and those of despair, one day or rather one night, I had to look at the back of the leaving train again... At least this time, Sarah has left something or someone very important that I will tell about another time.

When I started making my film, same things and dilemas kept going on. Another example proving my point may be spotted in recent separation of Toma Nikolic and his followers from the Mother radical. Oh, the dignity of this act is comparable to division of Christian Church into Catholic and Orthodox! Such a big moment! Are there really such among us who do not see that it is all about the principles, and that some politicians really remain truthful to their principles as all politicians are expected to? Toma remains. Let us believe in him. As we are freshly reminded that party politics doesn’t break principals it has once presented, as we are reminded that politicians tell the truth and nothing but the truth, they only mind the common good and never their individual interests, and if the opposite happens, Toma will be there for us. Only, it remains a little unexplainable how things got to the point where every and any alliance is possible: the not so long ago forever sworn enemies forming governments together, or majority in the parliament… Those whose rule has led the country into many wars, and who have been denounced as the initiators of national euphoria, those who led the citizens to believe that it was just to slaughter people around in neighboring countries, today are seen as “changed, truly socialist by believes, restructured and new, fresh and desirable as partners”… it cannot be that their ex enemies are only desperately looking for a way to remain in power, one way or an other. Really, I find myself living in a place where Kostunica is not different then Tadic, Tadic is not different then Dacic, Dacic is not different then Nikolic, Nikolic is not different then Kostunica, Kostunica is not different then Milosevic, Milosevic is not different then Seselj, Seselj is not different then Dacic, Dacic is not different then Nikolic, Nikolic is not different then Tadic, Tadic is not different then Seselj… maybe, really, only Nikolic and Seselj are indeed a little bit different, but only the two of them. i will allow myself the assumption that they have only transferred their personal differences or disagreements onto public, party or political level.

Tricks are many.

Tricks are many.

The rest of the world is, as ever, rapidly heading into the design of the world and its economy, system of values, and legal system, so well revealed out in cyberpunk literature, in novels by for example Bruce Sterling, my favourite. He reminds us that Hollywood imposes way too dangerous a trend, with all the capturing the young age forever/fighting for eternal life, that is, symbolically/. he reminds us about the tendency of the rule of capital, tendency to make an even firmer division between the rich and the poor, division given never to be changed. Sterling gives a detailed image of the world in which us, poor, will go for cheep surgery dangerous to our health, to gain our memory and bodily extensions and improvements, just to cope with the new genetic standards or to achieve the level of personal capacity so that we can serve a multiple purpose jobs to the rich; the world in which heroes are people from margins in situations of some blackmail, so they fight against a strong system and often operate on black markets of information to save their own miserable existence, still being the only ones fighting the all mighty machine of rulers of the planet. Heroes are often hackers who oppose the highest authorities and their intelligence organizations, criminals that is. In such novels, Serbia could only be one of the places for off shore business, where all scum along with all the jet set, does the money laundry, (although there is no such word as money in carefully designed cyber punk realities, and if it is mentioned, it comes as a long forgotten term that has to be explained by a savant tout to an ordinary character). So cyber punk heroes usually have to get to such areas, where all technology exists as in developed world they come from, only not all of its use is controlled. Some of it is just in a parallel system. Also, such places still have in use technologies that are old, and not possible to track by the most recent recipients of all movements, changes, transfers, events, feelings, thoughts. That would be the place of Serbia in cyber punk world. Interestingly enough, cyber punk treats such shit holes as places of hope, in a certain way: only in such places can a person find his or her real intimacy, time alone not controlled by any recipient that sends all info straight to the data base. Wow! In all cyber punk books, the place i see as a potential place for serbia has been reserved for asian countries. Nothing is accidental: piracy starts and develops in the poor countries such as India, Pakistan… Serbia. Places that never had money to afford licensed technology, developed in developed countries. But by minds that were bought for not much money on the market of cheep labor force – in developing countries, to put it politically correct. Even though the term is so untrue, we are being held backwards by our own decisions in politics, and by all actions of foreign investments…

Correct

Correct, mentally correct.

I do not get it, why does the politically correct language has to become hypocritical? Third world countries still sounds better; underdeveloped, or poor would be the truth. some, asian and african mainly, could even be called exploited countries. of all the names, the one in official use is a biggest lie! anyhow, potential is in places presented as black holes, wild west, banana states, the poor and the hated, the corrupt and dirty, the plague of humanity and of the planet! not to mention that many other authors, in other times and different directions of literature, used to find, in their imagined realities of the future world, that hope would lay there where there is dirt and poverty, in places to which even god has turned his back, and exactly for that reason! lack of interest, lack of control. so, my idea is, that we should all read more of cyber punk:) what a joke! is there a thing i would hate more then serbs interpreting cyberpunk literature as antiglobalist warning? no. cyberpunk is very globalist! if it explores on human vanity abusing science and directing it to find a formula for eternal life, or eternal youth, if it dives deep into the idea of living much longer lives then we do today, it only proves it is serious! because if anything will change the whole system of values, the way we think and relate to life, then that is the duration of average life changing from 70 to 370 years of age! i am so afraid that people from serbia would miss the major point clearly written to them, because of having contaminated mind, and thinking only locally, believing that big changes can only be if they happen to prove serbian innocence in front of the victimized bosnians, albanians, croats etc.
I have just filmed “The State”. Or as I said, i have one more step, two more steps to go, to have all my material filmed, and i will hang on. tomorow is the day for it. In it i tell i know what state is. life brings practice that can teach us, if we listen and notice carefully, many things, to build up on our education. Revealing the knowledge of how one state operates is much more dangerous then filming a story about one rebel that has ideals and fights for justice. My heroine is in her situation because of her private life, just like cyber punk heros. She is not a puritan, nor perfect. She is just smart. The film follows her process of understanding state’s practice when it comes to wanting an information. before, she used to teach about it. now she lives it. She is the one to put up the price, not the one to moralize. This film is in genre of spy movies. Very low budget. American genre in european style. Aware of itself, that is. Europe is too old to be innocent in knowledge, even though film production of my country is trying to prove the opposite. to prove its innocence, its ignorance. I say, we know. I say, it has all been said and written. I say, we read it. I say, we know.

Think.

Think.

Knowledge represents danger, in my country. Not heroes who fight the system. Heroes who fight the system in fiction only fill in the hole left for subversions. systems always count with subversions, that’s why they leave some place for them. Then they sponsor subversions against them selves, and it is all controlled. Further more, even set on the margine of my country’s system, i do not just sit there accepting it. I say, i create an other system, where i hold my share of power, that lays in creativity and knowledge. And i speak as an aqual to the established state sponsored artists. I dare say, I value my own perspective more highly. I say what I see. That comes out more dangerous then any condemnation.

It is only logical that this film is small. One film too much for Serbia. As if Serbia hasn’t got a poor nuber of films produced per year. I have started feeling flattered that my films are always those too many, never shown unless explicitly asked for by other countries. And that so far has been my distribution, even though i still have no diplomatic, routine connections in film abroad.

They say life is not a game. I honestly go further believing that game is a serious part of life.

They say life is not a game. I honestly go further believing that game is a serious part of life.

To conclude, i will put up words that are almost a drawing: in previous post, i promised to write about the address to which i am sending a message of my film. About whom I want to see it. Yes, I want it to be seen in my country. Yes, I want it seen everywhere. Yes, it speaks from inside the legitimate place of one system, not the place reserved for subversions. It seams so forgiving to the state that has been pushing my films aside. Yes, that makes “The State” unplesantly subversive.

People, I'm so serious, I think I've only met two people as serious as me.

People, I'm so serious, I've only met two people as serious as me. Almost both are women.

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hang on!

Do hang on a little longer, i tell myself every morning. i have too. it has been way too hard on me and my crew to make this film. i honestly meant to make it in shorter time. what made it last so long is access to certain locations – we just had to delay many things many times, to get to film at certain places. then, also, time that some people could dedicate to working with us / some had their own priorities that would pump up after i would have already planed shooting of a certain scene with that person… guerilla, as i said. we jump to operate, but we jump back immediately if everything and everybody are not on the needed positions! that is so time consuming! and also consuming my nerves:) but one more, two more steps to go! one more, two more steps to go!

usually, making a film means detaching from the real world with a group of people for a while, and living in creation of one fiction world. that fiction becomes reality for the crew. that is the reason why film crews often feel like families, new born, extended families. same group of people spending way too much time together, having no time for other things… sharing everything, good things and success, as well as bad news, hardships, waiting hours… i have experienced this many times. i also know that people working in film sometimes have problems to cope with their most intimate surroundings in private lives – one coleegue has told me that he comes home from the set, feeling alian to his wife and children, missing the set and the crew, thinking about that parallel, fiction world as the real life, and not knowing how to act in the real real life. and i could understand him. at the moment, we were working on the same film project. but his words got me thinking. and i made my decision: i will never allow myself such detachment from reality again! because, reality moves me to create. reality is what i react on, or what interacts with me. no matter how dedicated to my own film i am, no matter how little time i have to breath, eat, talk to other people but the crew, rest, sleep or hear the news, i still have to do it all! because this fiction, or other reality i am living in while creating it, has to communicate with the real reality. i want to predict as much of that communication as possible, because i am a thinking human being, not a cliche of an artist in his/her own world, in clouds, or something. But artist that knows what she is aiming for.

in a way, all the hardships i and my small crew met in making this film, helped me remain aware of reality. with any budget bigger then ours, reality would be less visible. more money, less reality, when it comes to living through a process of making a film. and i am doing my school time with each film i make. yess, the crew is some kind of a family, we breath and create together. still, that doesn’t erase all the reasons to desire that very creation – that message and its messengers have to keep in mind the address of delivery! so, my next post should be about that address and how i was percepting it while making this film, that still has one more step, two more steps of filming. and i will hang on as long as it takes!

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parents together

Sarah sitting by my side. the left one, where the hart is. We just set like that. After a short walk, and seeing that Belgrade, on one of its main squares, has nothing else to offer to two women of our kind, at this hour of night, in a need of a good conversation… she has presented her research on a conference, i have shot a feature fiction film… both of us alone in our process, with people around but our heads just so independently thinking. living in a small appartmant together for 3 weeks, not having time to hang out. working, working, working. here we are, where we started this blog, my blog, together. we sit. we want to talk. One young soul is asleep at our place. so we took our selves and our conversation out. ended up here.

i read sarah’s last article. i am happy she informed me on my city. i trust her more then all tv shows on earth, or press.

we have no coffee to talk over it. we have each other. i want to do this right, make my next text for the blog, come back to it. but it deserves more time and attention. the fact is, i couldn’t resist making this short post, without even having a picture to match it, just to say sarah is beside me, at this place that is the place of birth of this very blog, while sarah and me are destined to the role of parents…

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