No metter how much I fight to be my own, there’s always a soul or two who beilieve they own me. Moments shared remain only mine, when we look back. My past. Recent, or distant. Recent, but distant. I shared, yet I was my own. So I do here what noone would advise, among the bloggers. Nevertheless, I’ve exposed myself in my work always. This blogging thing is work to me, too. My stories, opinions, images I make or stand in, or both. And this piece is in the practical advise corner, which will make sense.
I was strugling to remain a good host to someone I couldn’t trust anymore. That is when I realised how suffocating the issue of belonging is: you want out. He/she postpones the issue. There is always some mediocre story of “Inconvinient moment”, “Not now, give me more time before we talk”, and a big “What would others say?” behind it.
Usual things bring in some false calm, some illusion of promise that time sits still, that proccesses in my head are not rapidly taking place. Illusion I never offered. Instead, I openly stated that my knowledge of life and a current situation are neither sitting, nor still. The fact that I was begged for more time before facing the change only provoked pityfull, yet repulsive ideas. This is already a practical, if not advize, then warning: ordinary things are not always ordinary. If you want to see them as such even when you are warned you are wrong, it is your responsability, your choice. Never transfer your own denial onto your partner. You will then forever waste the opportunity to learn about yourself.
See the arm grabing me to prove I (still) belong? See the pride in his expression, the well learned pose in dealing with problems, or loss, the convinced look he is getting it all back together? And see the look in my eyes full of mistrust? I am not there, my pose tells, the fact I do not embrace back screams out I am away, I feel wrong in this imposed togetherness. This picture tells a lot, if you really look at it. This picture tells the end has come. See it, or do not see it, the choice is yours.
At my grand mother’s. Feeling alien to the person who came along, I felt even more connected to my favourite house in the world: the present becoming past will not be the only past, and my childhood past is so strong, memories of moments in this house are so alive, I am happy! Already alone, betrayed, hurt, with a knife stick in my hart just some days ago, I am happy! Because I know and acknowledge, and learn so much while moving on. One more time after this time, I brought along a different somebody to share my paradise with. It was another wrong move. So no more sharing. No more belonging. No more offering to people to misinterpret sharing for having. Especialy in my case, when all those men that stormed through my life, wanted to be me, in a way; certainly the absurdety of such desire led into desire to dominate, and that then led to ending. The house helped me live through both times. The hosue of my life, the best house!
From personal experience, I advise one should know her or his favourite window. This, on the photo above, is mine. It is in my favourite house, too. That doesn’t have to be the case for everybody. In my case, it is so. The view at the window already thrills me, because I know its rich, beutiful, soul feeding offerings! Oh how happy I am to just see my window! Then I put away the curton, and I smoothly open it, and – boom! World’s beauty overwelms me! I know I have that window, and when I am not in the house for a long time, I concentrate strongly and bring myself to my window, i lean on it, look out, and contemplate. This experience has been a life saviour, to me, more then one time. So, find your favourite window, it is so healing!
A special place is important to heal our souls from suffering, humiliation, difficulties we go through. I have more then one place. But is this top of the hill liberating, oh my! I mean, the whole walk in the hill and the woods of my family, but I particularely love the top of the hill. When I chose my favourite places, I do not coose them by beauty. I select them by how I connect to them. And beside the childhood that allowed me long stays in my favourite house, with my favourite window, and favourite hills to walk with one favourite top, which altogether brought me so many happy memories, a feeling of rest, comprihension of love, sky full of stars, questions about universe and the begining of time, curiosity, exploring, I connect with my favourite places on other levels too. With this particular place, I connect by eternal communication with my grandfateher. He died, 12 years ago, indeed. But I do talk to him, and I can tell him and ask him everything. He gives me answers and leaves me my freedom, like nobody else. I love him so much. And I miss him, his presence in earthly ways. Yet I connect with him, and he connects me with this place of my freedom. The house, the window, the hill and my grand father helped me live through both failures of love attempts, that got to get there with me. Practical advise: try to find a place, where you will be so happy, your soul fed with love, to be as strong and free as I am on the photo above, eventhough you could equaly be dieing from the pain that you have been given! Find it!
Here I will not use many words. The sight of this house brings me to tears, because I cannot believe that I was given the joys of this house, the paradise around it, the love, love, love, love!
I always walk this road. Occasionally, I get lost. Then I look for, I crawl, I weep, until I get back on it again. That is for me the road of freedom, the road of life, the way to go. It is not comfortable, nor concrete. It is – you see it – some though field to walk on. Partialy, it symbolizes what or who I am, and why I remain on the margine: who wouldn’t abbandone a female who choosese hard ways rather then easy ones? Who thinks and doesn’t sell thoughts away to keep company? Who gives and gives and never asks for anything, yet is tricky enough to expect? Who accepts solitude, rather then makes compromise that all sides are equaly to blame in all wars? Who doesn’t buye the bullshit story that the era of equal opportunities has long time begun? Who doesn’t agree that women are, after all, not ment to take part in purely mens’ affairs? See, this road is hard, you have to walk it, step by step. No car, forget it. I advize you, chose for the road that will represent your values that you will not give up. (If you follow my advize, do not necessarely chose for the same road, and then blame it on me! I’m not saying my life is paradise. On the contrary, my life is closer to hell. But I make that choice, because I always want to know, never to deny. My side is the side of the knowledge, others, mainly men, are on the side of official truth / here official doesn’t stand for definite nor real/. So help yourself – I advize, you take it or leave it.)
I know what I know. No friend will, by being emotionally close, change the facs I know. By friend I refer to both girlfriends and boyfriends, and there are points where they cannot take me any more, even though the begining of the relationship is usually filled with deep admiration from the other part to my personality. Many where crying while admitting it, putting me high above themselves, only to eventually start killing me, symbolically, for my same values so admired at the start! One of the triggers for hate is my political being. I even refuse to declare myself as Serbian officially, because I live in nationalist, not civic state. When Chroats, Gypses, Albanians and other citizens of Serbia of non Serbian nationality can call themselves Serian, when that word at the first place represents the citizenship, then I will declare myself as one. Until then, in solidarity with all the citizens of my country who cannot claim their citizenship in one word (because that would impose on them the fake national belonging), I give up my nationality. I remain a citizen, and have no nationality. I advize facing the truth, not comforting ourselves in lies, I advize solidarity, and I remain alone. Hated, most of the time. Think well before you accept this advizing story. You can addopt only parts of it, like the parts on favourite places and windows and houses. That can still keep you in an acceptable avarage (women especially) 🙂